Getting Back With An Ex-What You Need To Know

Getting back together with an ex can work out providing you follow a few simple rules.

Couples split up for a variety of reasons and sometimes being apart for a while can be the best thing. Read more to find out what you need to know before deciding to get back with your ex. Forming a relationship in your twenties when you’re still maturing is a common reason for break ups.

It happened to me as there was so much I wanted to do in life and settling down was not the right decision.   Affairs, resentment, jealousy, lack of communication are also responsible for relationships ending. Occasionally, after a few months, years or even decades you meet up again. Maybe a divorce, or other life changing event brings you back in touch.

Something ignites a spark and those feelings you once had start to resurface. You’ve both grown and matured. You’ve travelled, had a family, or furthered your career. If you broke up on bad terms time can be a great healer.

You’ve both had space to recover and move on from the past. In this article we look at why you want to rekindle an old flame and what you need to do if you want to give things another go.

You can’t go back

Often the past seems a rosy and comfortable place to live. You remember all the happy times together, missing out the bad bits. If you want to get back with your ex you must realise it has to be a new relationship. The old one didn’t work and is dead. You can’t go back.

What to do if you’ve lost contact

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Sometimes couples remain friends and there is no loss of contact. What happens though if you’ve not been in touch for a long time? What do you say? How do you open up a line of communication? What if your ex won’t talk?

Firstly, with social media, email, texting or picking up the phone you’re not short of ways to make contact. My advice is to start with a simple text message. Ask a question? Everyone likes to talk about themselves. He or she will be surprised and flattered that you care enough to ask. Keep it very simple and don’t give any hint that you’re desperate.

If you get a reply that’s fantastic, but don’t get too excited at this stage. Try to establish a dialogue so you’re both opening up a little. If your ex doesn’t want to talk there’s nothing you can do. Don’t keep texting or phoning as you’ll destroy any hope of a reconciliation.

There’s always the chance your ex has met someone else. If you’ve been out of touch a long time this is a real possibility. If on the other hand your ex is responsive and keen to establish contact that’s great news. Keep things casual but don’t be afraid to flirt a little. Keep communication to texting or messaging in the early stages. You could pick up the phone but you’ll want to rehearse what to say.

Messaging or emailing is better. It gives you time to craft a good message and think about what to say. Once you’ve started to feel comfortable and communication has become free flowing you could try suggesting a meet up.  This is of course dependent on distance and where you’re both living.


Why do you want to get back with your ex?

new relationship with ex

This may sound an odd question to ask but you must want to get back together for the right reasons. Feeling lonely is a poor reason for wanting your ex back.


Getting a dog or broadening your social life may be a better option! If you’ve just been through a divorce or broken up with your current partner the past can seem a very comforting place.


This is another very poor reason. Rebound relationships rarely last even it is with an ex.


When you’re on the rebound memories of a past relationship suddenly seem very rosy. In this case you’re better off with counseling and recovering from your latest break up.


You’ve matured and genuinely start to miss him or her. It’s funny but it often takes a clean break with years apart to make you realise what you’ve lost.

The latter is of course, the best reason for wanting to get back with your ex.

Talk to each other openly

Before you even decide to give things another go you must be very open with each other. Think about what went wrong and discuss these issues.

There are always two sides to a failed relationship. Lack of communication is a common reason for break ups. Not making enough time for each other.

Affairs are often a result of feeling unhappy. Instead of ending the relationship one of you compensates by finding someone else who has the qualities you need.

Jealousy can also kill a relationship.

Possessiveness and resentment of time spent with friends are very destructive. Insecurity can eat away at you. You can’t control another human being. Trying to do so will push you further apart.

These mistakes serve as valuable lessons. If you can overcome them you’ll stand a far greater chance of making it work again.

Focus on the positives.

Having talked through want went wrong start focusing on things you like about each other. These are probably what drew you together in the first place. Maybe you loved his thoughtfulness, or he loved the way you organise things.

Find common interests.

Depending how much time has passed since you were together your tastes and interests may have changed. This is just part of life. What you liked 5 or 10 years ago may be very different from what you like today.

Become friends first

Regaining trust and building a new relationship takes time. You can’t and shouldn’t expect things to go back the way they were. Starting again as friends makes it a bit easier. You’re not making any commitment but just seeing how things go at a slower pace.

If you want a lasting relationship you’ll need to put in the effort. Sliding back into old ways won’t work. It may seem easy as you both know each other so well from past times.

However, if you don’t make changes your new relationship may fail just like the old one. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of talking things through and being open and honest with each other.


Some of the changes you both need to make may be quite major and challenging. However, if you both still love each other you should be prepared to do this.

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What you need to ask yourself

rekindle an old flame
Before you decide to start a new relationship with your ex you need to ask yourself the following. This will save you any future heartache.


Can you really trust your ex? If he or she cheated once do you think they’ll do it again?


Are you truly able to forgive? If you harbor resentments and can’t let go of past mistakes you’ll be storing problems for the future.


If things don’t work out second time around can you handle another break up? Nothing is guaranteed and the idea of having to go through the heartache of splitting up again may be too much. Getting over a break up is hard and takes time.


Rekindling an old flame may seem idyllic. You may have been fantasizing about it in your mind. Reality though may be completely different.


If you’re reliving the past and expect things to go back as they were you will be disappointed. Remember, this is a completely new relationship. What you did before didn’t work then and probably won’t work now.


Build your network of friends and maintain outside interests

You should never have to give up friends or interests in a healthy relationship. Having a circle of friends no matter how small is important.

If your only friends are those you both share it may prove difficult after a break up. They may not want to take sides and you could be left feeling very lonely.


Interests outside the relationship help to keep things fresh. You’ve always something to talk about.

Reuniting with ex partners can be wonderful. All that time apart has healed the pain and now you’re in a good place to start over. Making a relationship work requires give and take on both sides and you may need to make compromises.

I hope you’ve found this article helpful and that I’ve at least given you some hope if you’re missing your ex and want him or her back in your life.
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Wishing you health and happiness


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